From The Magic Room by Jeffrey Zaslow. Published by Gotham Books, part of Penguin Group (U.S.A.), Inc. © 2012 Jeffrey Zaslow.
In a tiny town with one stoplight, I found a spot where 100,000 daughters and their families and friends have come to reflect tearfully and joyously on the love in their lives. What is this place? Put simply, it’s a room in a building on a midwestern Main Street. The building is Becker’s Bridal, the biggest business in Fowler, Mich.; its 2,500 wedding dresses—a veritable “blizzard of white” squeezed onto three floors—far outnumber the town’s 1,100 residents.
I’ve spent many hours at Becker’s in the past year—but not because one of my three daughters (ages 16, 20, and 22) was getting married. Instead, I came looking for illumination, both as a father and as a journalist. Ever since my girls were young, I’ve watched how other parents encourage their kids and advise them. Now that my daughters are young women, I worry and wonder how my wife and I can help them navigate through relationships. Theirs is a culture in which the parameters seem so unclear. Does love mean the same thing to them as it did to my wife and me (or to our parents) when we were their age? Does marriage?
And so I went to Becker’s, a 78-year-old institution where Shelley Becker Mueller and daughter Alyssa, the third and fourth generation of Becker women to work at the store, guide brides into their corsets and trains. I expected their focus to be on locating the perfect gowns for their customers—and it is. What I didn’t realize is that they’re also selling dreams: the dreams that all parents hold for their daughters, and the dreams that their daughters have for their own futures.
The emotional core of Becker’s is the Magic Room, an 8-by-10-foot space with mirrors that carry a person’s image into infinity. There, I saw women and their mothers weep as they reflected on what had led them to that moment. Fathers, too, were often overcome, excusing themselves to go outside, pace up and down the street, and wipe their eyes.
In my career, I’ve done reporting at places where I expected to hear touching anecdotes, like maternity wards and nursing homes. But during the year I spent at this shop on Main Street, I heard stories that were every bit as heartfelt and important. Here are five lessons I learned at Becker’s.
LESSON 1: OUR HEARTS ARE INFINITELY EXPANDABLE.
Julie Wieber, 45, was a second-time Becker’s bride. She first came to the store in 1986 as a bubbly 21-year-old about to marry Jeff, who’d come into her life as her brother’s friend. After 23 happy years—and five children—Jeff died suddenly. Julie was heartbroken. Much to her surprise, a year later she fell in love with Dean, whom she also met through her brother. This kind of quick remarriage is not uncommon at Becker’s: “If a widowed young woman had a good marriage, she’ll remarry fast,” remarked Shelley Becker Mueller, a friend of Julie’s.
When Dean proposed and Julie accepted, her kids were furious. There were tears, screaming matches, and cries of “How could you?” Julie thought through how she, as well as her children, felt. “I’ll always love your dad,” she finally told them. “I love Dean, too, but he won’t go certain places in my heart that remain reserved only for your father.”
For his part, Dean told me he knew Julie was still in love with her first husband. “Still is and always will be. But I’ve also figured out that Julie has an amazing capacity to love. And so I’ve told her: ‘If I can have a little sliver of that heart of yours, you can keep the rest for Jeff.’”
LESSON 2: LOVE DOESN’T ASK FOR ANYTHING IN RETURN.
When I met Courtney Driskill, 29, she was recovering from rheumatic fever, an inflammatory disease that had dominated her 20s, forcing her to routinely sleep 20 hours a day. In order to pay for health insurance, her mother, Susan, took a $6.75-an-hour job at a department store.
Susan watched and worried as her daughter’s health kept her from dating. But by 2008, Courtney began to improve, and through her hairdresser she met John, a divorced Marine drill instructor with two children.
Most shoppers at Becker’s show up with an entourage of bridesmaids; Courtney arrived with just her mom. And Susan, so used to seeing her daughter prone on the couch, wept as Courtney stepped onto the Magic Room’s pedestal. “I didn’t think I’d ever see this day.”
When I asked Courtney to define “love,” she spoke about her mother, who’d spent her days helping men find ties and pants so she could take care of her daughter. “There’s no one else I’d want to share this moment with.”
LESSON 3: CHERISH EVERY MOMENT.
As daughter Megan, 21, picked out a gown at Becker’s, Jack Pardo found himself also thinking about his oldest child, Melissa. She died when she was only 9 months old after falling off a changing table. “You bring children into this world,” he told me, “but you really don’t know how long they’ll be here. We don’t think about how many times we see stories about people who’ve lost children to accidents or illness. You don’t know how long you’ll have your children to love.”
In a terrible twist of fate, Megan, a college senior, was in a serious car accident days after her trip to Becker’s. But despite a severely injured right hand and a wound on her forehead, she wed Shane, whom she’d met at church, four months later, just as they had planned. “Perfect doesn’t mean unflawed or that bad things won’t happen,” said Laura, her mother. “Megan understands that. She accepts that the life she has, that’s the perfect life.”
LESSON 4: LOVE SOMETIMES NEEDS AN OPEN MIND TO BLOSSOM.
Meredith Maitner, a 40-year-old first-time bride, felt as if she’d endured a million-man march of failed relationships to get to Becker’s. In her 20s, she compiled a list of the qualities her would-be husband should have—he’d be manly, athletic (even though she hated sports), and extremely successful. Over the years, she’d consulted and revised the list. But in her mid-30s, she realized, “I wanted someone to support me emotionally, not necessarily financially—someone to share a bowl of popcorn with. I wanted to do the dishes and look out the window and see him cutting the grass.”
Out with friends, she met him: Ron, a low-key freelance graphic designer. “I’m going to walk down the aisle really slowly,” she warned her dad before the wedding. “I’ve waited a long time for this.”
LESSON 5: WHAT WOMEN WANT MOST IS NOT FASHION ADVICE.
Watching daughters and their parents at Becker’s, I saw how important it was for the bride to make the final decision about her dress. Even though she might ask her mom or dad for input, their task was not to choose a gown. I now know that if I’m a father of the bride someday, my role will be simple: to tell my daughters I love them.
From The Magic Room by Jeffrey Zaslow. Published by Gotham Books, part of Penguin Group (U.S.A.), Inc. © 2012 Jeffrey Zaslow.
